Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
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I can’t wait!
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”