“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
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Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
it must be school picture day
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?