* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
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thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Best mom ever 😂
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Holy shit he’s back
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid