Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
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[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
notice
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.