Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
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the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym