It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
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I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote