Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”