if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.