“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
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[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
remember
only for emergencies
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?