[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
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I had to Stop for this
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it