[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
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Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.