its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
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No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
🤣🤣🤣
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.