What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
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The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me: