*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
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“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake