[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
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[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
good morning
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried