Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
You Might Also Like
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*