*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
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Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
🤣could you imagine
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.