Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.