People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
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FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.