After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
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i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
This is Sparta
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol