no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
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If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
What?!?
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
“I FIXED IT!”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip