Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
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[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile