There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
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I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Who says great literature is dead?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap