the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
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JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Received some very disappointing news today
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.