I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
You Might Also Like
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
monday
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn