which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Trumpy Cat
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Denise please return my vape pen
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds