If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
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Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
(Jupiter –
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Wake me when AI does housework
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.