“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
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if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.