Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
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Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow