When someone asks if I have any hobbies
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And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Good morning y’all ☀️
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂