[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
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I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣