“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
You Might Also Like
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no