Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
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What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
You wish you had this many chins.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.