I didn’t come here to be called names
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Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
🛁
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no