*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
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Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again