Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
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him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.