On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
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*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Pass gas, not judgment.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
This came to me in a dream.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth