[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
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Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Do not levitate over flowers
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.