I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
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[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes