Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
You Might Also Like
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.