*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
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Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Catering service
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.