if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
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*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Spider-cat: No One Home
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*