Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
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imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I’m already scared
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth