When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
my astrological sign is a french fry
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”