My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
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My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Bobby pin
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
me adding lol on a serious message
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.