Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
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A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.