Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
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People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning