[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
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Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.