Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
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‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.