fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
the only organized thing in my life is crime
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
And then there were 4
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.